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Jack wasn't sure how he'd ended up flirting with Carter and picking out dresses for her, but it'd managed to be kinda sweet in the end. But, as far as them going to the wedding together, that'd been a no fly zone no matter how much Jack wanted it.

But Carter had said no and Jack, both as friend and CO, had to respect that decision.

He'd spent the morning swimming and had darted back up to New Atlantis to nab a towel from his hut when he saw her. Dammit. No avoiding Carter now. He'd have to speak to her out of politeness; it wasn't like he was mad at her or anything. He just couldn't trust himself around her.

"Morning, Carter."

It'd be easier if he had on more than swim trunks, wouldn't it?

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"Right," Jack said quietly, jaw tightening. "Like I said, don't kill yourself. I'm sure some version of me might care about that."

This version cared about that, but who was counting?

Sam hadn't been sure what she expected his response to be, but she definitely hadn't expected it to be so cutting, and for a minute she just stared at him in disbelief. There was a sarcastic wow on the tip of her tongue, but it didn't quite make it out of her mouth. Can you blame him? she asked herself, but it didn't help.

Dammit. Way to go, O'Neill.

Jack sighed and tried to soften his tone a little. "Sorry, Carter. That was a little harsh...don't know what's going on with me today."

Sam shook her head. "It's all right, sir," she replied. "This isn't... none of this is easy." Here was the man she'd been in love with for a large part of her life, and he was perfectly willing to pursue a relationship with her, and she was burying her head in the sand. Was she being a good officer or just a stubborn idiot? She hoped for the former but was afraid it was the latter.

"No it's not," Jack said quickly. "No need for me to snap at you when you're just trying to do your job. It was out of line and I apologize."

"I told you, you don't have anything to apologize for," Sam said, exasperation creeping into her voice. This was why there were regulations in the first place, she knew, and if they would just stay on the right side of them this would be so much easier. "You didn't do anything."

But which side was the right side?

"Carter? Can you come here for a second? I don't...I don't like being on the outs with you, you know? It's no fun for anybody."

Sam stepped a little closer, but warily; not because she was afraid or uncertain of him--she trusted him with her life--but because she didn't trust herself not to cross that line with him again. It wasn't fair to him for her to get so close and back away over and over, and she respected him too much to be unfair like that. "I don't like it either," she said quietly.

Edited 2010-02-06 21:04 (UTC)

Jack stood and slipped his arms around her. He could do this. He'd hugged Carter a handful of times in the line of duty; every officer knew that sometimes after a tough firefight physical comfort did more than any words could ever do.

They'd been dancing around the fire for a month now, stepping back when they got burned, and Jack didn't want her to think they couldn't have this, at least, even if the rest of it was too hot to handle safely.

"You're my best friend, Carter," he said quietly, "You and Daniel. I don't want you killing yourself to fix us and get us off this island. I want you to sleep eight hours a night and eat regular meals and take breaks. And that's coming from Jack, not from Colonel O'Neill. So I don't need a sir on that one or a salute. Just...healthy respect that I'm worried?"

Sam hesitated for the briefest of pauses before putting her arms around him. It's just a hug, she reminded herself. Just like the ones they'd shared so many times before--after pulling him out of Hathor's cryogenic chamber, after Janet died, after destroying the Kull Warrior she'd been running from, and while her father was taking his last breaths in the SGC infirmary--but none of those times had made her feel like she did now. It was just a hug, and there was nothing inappropriate about it except what she was thinking as her cheek pressed against the warm skin of his shoulder. She couldn't help but think of how she had felt after their poker game, sprawled in her floor with him half on top of her giving her what was probably the best kiss of her life... and she shouldn't be thinking about it.

"Okay," she said softly. It took a great amount of effort to keep herself from smoothing her hands over his skin.

Jack cupped the back of her head lightly, his other hand rubbing her back. Just a hug, maybe a little on the long side, but nothing inappropriate. Not after over a week of ignoring each other and Carter damn near trying to kill herself researching their involuntary vacations.

"You mean a lot to me, Carter. I take it for granted sometimes that you know when I'm guessing I'm probably not the most vocal person when it comes to all this touchy feely stuff."

The words stuck in his throat. Dammit. Out with it.

"Take care of yourself? I'll do anything you ask me to do, but I'm shit at formulas, so all I can do is try to give you moral support. I'm not so good at that stuff."

Why, why, why, why was this so hard? Was this some kind of test to see just how strong her willpower was? Because if someone, or something was testing her, she didn't know how long she would be able to hold on until she cracked. She could feel herself wanting to just melt against him, her fingers aching to trace the smooth lines of muscle she could feel under her fingertips, lips ready to part and fit to his in a way had taken her only two kisses to realize was absolutely right.

But it wasn't fair.

She nodded and stepped back just the tiniest bit; not enough to step out of his embrace, but just enough that they weren't quite pressed together so closely. It was too tempting, and Sam wondered for a stomach-dropping moment if she'd waited too long, if her hands and mouth were simply going to act independently from her more rational thoughts and do what she so badly wanted to do. But no; she managed, with a huge effort, not to do those things.

Jack leaned down, brushing his lips lightly against Carter's forehead. He couldn't kiss her again, not really kiss her, but he could do that. It was comfort, that was all, and it was more for her benefit than his.

At least that's what he told himself to justify it. Weren't they just a pair?

"Wasn't quite done hugging you, you know," he said lowly, closing the tiny bit of distance between them again. "Give me a minute?"

Sam tried telling herself to take a step back, to tell him that she couldn't do this anymore, but his arms were around her again and for a minute she just completely lost her grip on her common sense. She took a breath and opened her mouth to say to him that she couldn't go on doing this, but the words just left her as quickly as they'd come; the words turned into a little sigh that she breathed against his shoulder, and the little sigh turned into a soft touch of her lips in the same spot.

"Bad idea," Jack said quietly, taking in a shaky breath of his own. "Really...really bad idea with the bed two feet away and me already half naked. Well, could be a good idea, but not if you want...not if you don't want me that way."

Dammit, whatever happened to eloquence?

"And you don't want me that way and I love you too much to go into it for just a physical thing. Can't leave all that at the door for an hour or two of fun."

Sam made a small, frustrated sound and moved to step back again and felt the table behind her; there was no more stepping back without falling over furniture and they already knew where that went. "Don't tell me what I don't want," she said, her words choked and quiet. "Or what I don't feel." Just because she couldn't let herself have him didn't mean she didn't feel it any less strongly.

"You can have everything you want, Sam, and you throw it away with both hands," Jack said just as softly, hands at her shoulders. "You coulda had me just about from day one, if you wanted it. Day one back home, not day one out here."

Jack closed his eyes and took in a deep breath. "Where was that line again? Need for you to re-draw it."

Edited 2010-02-06 22:39 (UTC)

Jack's words were a mixture of her father's--you can still have everything you want--and those of her Replicator double--you play by the rules, you do as you're told and you deny yourself your own desires--and it was enough to bring her back to herself for a minute. She couldn't look him in the eye, but couldn't look anywhere else either without being distracted by his lack of shirt, and she let her eyes fall closed while she spoke.

"I don't know where the line is," she said. "I thought I did, and now I don't. But it's not because I don't love you. God... no. I do. And it's because I do that I have to do this." She had to go back and fix things, fix his death, fix the world.

"I'm always going to be here for you," Jack said quietly, "But it might not always be like this. Don't let the door shut on us for too long, you know?"

Hard conversation. Every conversation he had with Carter had been hard lately. Whatever happened to the easy way?

Sam gave him a long, thoughtful look. She wasn't sure if he was actively trying to dissuade her from her work now, or if he was just telling her how he felt... she supposed this depended on whether he was really Jack or not. Sam hated that she even had to wonder, but after her experience with Fifth, she couldn't help it.

"If you know me," she said carefully, "then you know why I'm working so hard on this." Her voice was quiet, as it didn't need to be anything but; he was right there.

"I know you," Jack said just as quietly. "And I know you're stubborn and beautiful and brilliant and you're going to find a way home or die trying. I love you because of those things, not in spite of them, and I really need to just stop standing in your way."

He sighed a little.

"But I don't think there's anything for me to go back to, Carter. I think I died then, at least in my timeline, and I'm just so damn tired of burying this part of me when I know you want it too. But I will. I need to get you home to him."

Sam rubbed her hands over her face, partly out of frustration and partly out of exhaustion. They kept saying they weren't going to talk about this anymore and they kept talking about it; they said they weren't going to cross that line again and they kept crossing it. It was the same thing, over and over again, and it was wearing Sam down. She felt like she'd been here for months instead of weeks. She wanted to remind him that everything about her timeline was wrong, broken, and controlled by the Goa'uld, and if she went back at the wrong time she was dead herself and Jack would still be too, but she couldn't make herself bring any of that up again. Not one more time. Because if she did, and weighed what she was going back to against what she could have here, then it wouldn't measure up.

Edited 2010-02-07 00:00 (UTC)

"Sam?"

One small word, full of exhaustion and concern and everything Jack wanted to say and just couldn't if he expected to keep his hands off her. When did it get like this, where every conversation turned into something too heavy to deal with without one or the other freaking out.

"Jack--"

Sam gave up then, couldn't stand it anymore. Something had hit a nerve and it was like the spark that kicked a naqahdah generator to life; she had to kiss him or explode, so she kissed him. A frustrated, desperate little sound rasped from her throat and her fingers were in his hair and she was pressing up against him like she couldn't stand not to be touching him as much as possible. She'd been telling herself it was a bad idea, and even now something inside her was screaming at her that this was dangerous and stupid, but for once--even if it was just for one single minute and never happen again, Sam Carter was going to do what she very badly wanted to do.

Edited 2010-02-07 00:35 (UTC)

Jack groaned a little and pulled her closer, letting her hips lay flush against his as he deepened the kiss. Carter had never initiated before and somehow it made him feel a little better about the whole thing; if his carefully controlled Colonel Carter could give in to this, maybe it wasn't so bad that he kept being the weak one and crossing the line.

He wanted to take her to bed but that was a bad, bad idea so Jack settled for the kiss, rolling his hips up against hers.